kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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