On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
