so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
