I smell stomach acid.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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