im about as happy as oj after his trial
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
