I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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