I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
