Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
