She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
