Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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