I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
