now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
