Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Operation Purity has been aborted
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
