one two three fourrrrnication!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
