You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
