In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
