He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
