Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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