i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
