Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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