I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
