Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Randomize
