We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
