theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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