that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
