It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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