my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
