If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
