if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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