If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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