# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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