its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
