I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
