When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
