The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
