I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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