i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
