You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
