The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
