just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
