Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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