Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
