it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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