billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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