I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
