I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
