Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
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