My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
My bed smells like the plague
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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