We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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