I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
