And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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