My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
